Tavaliselt hangitakse endale prillid siis, kui tahetakse ümbritsevat selgemalt ja seega tõetruumalt näha olgu siis objekt kaugel või lähedal. Loomulikult võivad need olla ka roosad nagu minu esimesed prillid, mis andsid inspiratsiooni klassi poistele laulmaks mulle korduvalt: "Prillid peas hea unelda." Aga siinkohal ei tahtnud ma mitte nendest okulaaridest kirjutada.
Kui me kohtame kedagi, kes meile väga meeldib, ütlevad tihti teised (enamjaolt mitte siiski ise), et meil on roosad prillid peas. See tähendab, et me märkame inimese juures valdavalt ainult head ja jätame tähelepanuta negatiivse ja häiriva. Tundub et, kui see efekt tekib, siis käib see kaasas armumisega, mida meie õpetajad nimetavad naljatledes psühhootiliseks ja mööduvaks nähtuseks. See on mõnes mõttes huvitav, et isegi need, kes muidu on väga kriitilised ja kellele torkavad esmalt silma pigem kõiksugu puudused, võivad armununa olla selles mõttes täiesti ümber vahetatud. Seega tundub, et roosasid prille me ise endale ei vali, vaid mingil hetkel on need meil lihtsalt ees ja kõik.
Nüüd aga mis minu jaoks on huvitavam, on see, et millal need ära tulevad ja miks. Kui rääkida keemiast, siis tõenäoliselt mingil hetkel hakkab meie keha tootma vähem nn mõnuainet ja nii hakkabki pilt selginema -haha seekord siis pigem prillideta. Märk sellest on see, kui hakkavad silma torkama asjad, mida enne üldse ei märganud ja mis esmapilgul ei meeldi: see kuidas ta hambaid peseb, see kuidas ta sööb, see millist nalja teeb jne. Mõni ehk ehmatab siis, et oi ta ei meeldigi enam mulle nii, kas oleks vaja lahku minna kuna ta pole perfect match. Loodan, et selles faasis on kõigil keegi kõrval ütlemas, et see on normaalne nähtus, kui inimene hakkab su kõrval inimeseks muutuma kõikide oma armsate ja mis seal parata - ka mitte nii armsate külgedega. Siis on võimalik teda armastama hakata - ütlevad targad. Seega tundub, et püsiva suhte tekkimise jaoks on vajalik, et roosad prillid kaoksid.
Aga millal see tavaliselt juhtub? On see seotud mingi sündmusega näiteks esimese suure tüliga või on see keha keemiast tingituna mingi aeg näiteks aasta-kaks? Siin ootan teie panust enda või teiste elust.
Ja nüüd minu jaoks kõige põnevam küsimus - kas see on paratamatu, et mingil hetkel sa ei näe enam oma kaasat valdavalt positiivsena? Ma tahaks väita, et kui on kokku saanud selline paar, kes sobivad omavahel väga väga hästi, nii hästi, et tahaks lausa kasutada väljendit See Õige, siis ehk mõnes mõttes jäävadki roosad prillid alatiseks pähe ehk natuke väiksema plussiga, aga siiski. See oleks ju tore!
Nautigem üksteist!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Family types
It is always easier to work with families when you have some idea of the family type they represent. Knowing the type gives the therapist a description of what the family life may be like and what problems they may have. Of course when you meet them you start testing the initial hypothesis. So here it goes, Minuchin's classification of family types:
1. Pas de deux families - these families consist of two people. Very often it is the mother and child. They spend a lot of time together and rely on each other. The child may spend quite a lot of time interacting with adults and perhaps less with peers. Mother may be good at reading the child's moods and satisfying his/her needs. There is a threat of over-reading the child which may lead to mutual dependence and mutual resentment at the same time.
Pas de deux family is also an older couple whose children have left home. They sometimes suffer from the empty nest syndrome. Yet another example of this family type is a parent living with an adult single child who have lived together all the child's life. They may be overinvolved and they may keep each other closed off from other relationships.
2. Three generation families - adults with their parents and children live together under the same roof. The organization of support and cooperation in family tasks is important here. Who does what and who is not permitted to do certain things should be clear. Often the grandmother wants to parent the child and the therapist's job is to bring the real mother a bit closer to parenting. It may also be that the adults are so involved in feuds with their parents that the children don't get much attention at all.
3. Shoe families - with many children in the household, older ones are often expected to help out with younger ones. In some sense they are treated like adults and given responsibilities but at other times they are treated as they are - like kids. This may result in the older child not being "one of us" among younger children nor the parents. However it may work well as long as the chores are clearly defined and age appropriate.
4. Accordion families - in some families one member is away for some time regularly. Quite often the husband is in the army and on missions or a truck driver or works on a boat. When one spouse leaves, the other one has to handle things at home and rear the kids. When the one away returns, rules change until the departure time comes again. This situation if often stressful for all because constant adjustments have to be made depending on how many people there in the family at one point or another. Sometimes the spouse at home becomes the bad parent and the one away the good one. However sometimes the one away becomes peripheral parent and excluded from the family. Therapy is often needed when the mission ends or the truck driver retires. Then the family needs to be reorganized and a new family is formed.
5. Fluctuating families - Some families are always on the move either because of someone's job or because of a restless nature of one. This type of family is also the family where a single parent has serial love affairs and boyfriends or girlfriends vary a lot over time. This may raise a question who are the members of the family. When families move, all members have to find new social networks and quite often this is not achieved without at least some stress. If the family becomes the only context of support, forming and maintaining relationships with others outside the family may be difficult.
6. Foster families - these are families with a temporary family member, usually a foster child. Foster parents are often told not to get attached but the bonds still form and child is incorporated into the family. The fact that it's temporary can be stressful.
7. Stepparent families - When the stepparent enters the family, he/she may not commit fully, the child may increase demands on the natural parent or the original unit may keep him/her peripheral. Gradual shift is needed and it is not expected for the family to function without problems at first.
8. Families with a ghost - some families may very strongly be "haunted by the ghost" of the loved one who left or passed away. They try to live as if the one who is gone, is still there and behave as that person would have liked or told them to. Taking over the functions of that person is seen as act of disloyalty. In this case, the mourning has not yet been completed.
9. Out-of-control families - one of the most common type in this category is the family with the preschool "monster" who does not obey any rules. Very often the parents do not agree on parenting issues and often it is said that the only way that a small child can be taller than the parent is by sitting on the other parent's sholders. This does not necessarily mean that one parent is contradicting another; silence is often interpreted by the child as alliance.
Similar family type occurs with teenagers when often the reason behind this is the inability of parents to move from concern to respect regarding their children. It is normal for children to want to become more independent and the key is to determine together with parents how much independence is ok. Delinquent children have learned from their parents that control is dependent on their presence so there are certain rules in one context but they dont apply in another context. The parent often makes a controlling demand, the child does not obey, the parent then makes another demand and so on. There is mutual yet unspoken agreement that after certain number of demands, the child responds. People in this family do not expect to be heard and relationship messages are more important than the content.
10. Psychosomatic families - psychosomatic complaints appear when nurturing is overly important in the family and the family seems to function best when someone is sick. In this family the members are overinvolved and overprotective and strive for maintaining peace and harmony by avoiding conflicts and confrontation at any cost. They are nice and cooperative people but it's is hard to get them to talk about problems in their family.
1. Pas de deux families - these families consist of two people. Very often it is the mother and child. They spend a lot of time together and rely on each other. The child may spend quite a lot of time interacting with adults and perhaps less with peers. Mother may be good at reading the child's moods and satisfying his/her needs. There is a threat of over-reading the child which may lead to mutual dependence and mutual resentment at the same time.
Pas de deux family is also an older couple whose children have left home. They sometimes suffer from the empty nest syndrome. Yet another example of this family type is a parent living with an adult single child who have lived together all the child's life. They may be overinvolved and they may keep each other closed off from other relationships.
2. Three generation families - adults with their parents and children live together under the same roof. The organization of support and cooperation in family tasks is important here. Who does what and who is not permitted to do certain things should be clear. Often the grandmother wants to parent the child and the therapist's job is to bring the real mother a bit closer to parenting. It may also be that the adults are so involved in feuds with their parents that the children don't get much attention at all.
3. Shoe families - with many children in the household, older ones are often expected to help out with younger ones. In some sense they are treated like adults and given responsibilities but at other times they are treated as they are - like kids. This may result in the older child not being "one of us" among younger children nor the parents. However it may work well as long as the chores are clearly defined and age appropriate.
4. Accordion families - in some families one member is away for some time regularly. Quite often the husband is in the army and on missions or a truck driver or works on a boat. When one spouse leaves, the other one has to handle things at home and rear the kids. When the one away returns, rules change until the departure time comes again. This situation if often stressful for all because constant adjustments have to be made depending on how many people there in the family at one point or another. Sometimes the spouse at home becomes the bad parent and the one away the good one. However sometimes the one away becomes peripheral parent and excluded from the family. Therapy is often needed when the mission ends or the truck driver retires. Then the family needs to be reorganized and a new family is formed.
5. Fluctuating families - Some families are always on the move either because of someone's job or because of a restless nature of one. This type of family is also the family where a single parent has serial love affairs and boyfriends or girlfriends vary a lot over time. This may raise a question who are the members of the family. When families move, all members have to find new social networks and quite often this is not achieved without at least some stress. If the family becomes the only context of support, forming and maintaining relationships with others outside the family may be difficult.
6. Foster families - these are families with a temporary family member, usually a foster child. Foster parents are often told not to get attached but the bonds still form and child is incorporated into the family. The fact that it's temporary can be stressful.
7. Stepparent families - When the stepparent enters the family, he/she may not commit fully, the child may increase demands on the natural parent or the original unit may keep him/her peripheral. Gradual shift is needed and it is not expected for the family to function without problems at first.
8. Families with a ghost - some families may very strongly be "haunted by the ghost" of the loved one who left or passed away. They try to live as if the one who is gone, is still there and behave as that person would have liked or told them to. Taking over the functions of that person is seen as act of disloyalty. In this case, the mourning has not yet been completed.
9. Out-of-control families - one of the most common type in this category is the family with the preschool "monster" who does not obey any rules. Very often the parents do not agree on parenting issues and often it is said that the only way that a small child can be taller than the parent is by sitting on the other parent's sholders. This does not necessarily mean that one parent is contradicting another; silence is often interpreted by the child as alliance.
Similar family type occurs with teenagers when often the reason behind this is the inability of parents to move from concern to respect regarding their children. It is normal for children to want to become more independent and the key is to determine together with parents how much independence is ok. Delinquent children have learned from their parents that control is dependent on their presence so there are certain rules in one context but they dont apply in another context. The parent often makes a controlling demand, the child does not obey, the parent then makes another demand and so on. There is mutual yet unspoken agreement that after certain number of demands, the child responds. People in this family do not expect to be heard and relationship messages are more important than the content.
10. Psychosomatic families - psychosomatic complaints appear when nurturing is overly important in the family and the family seems to function best when someone is sick. In this family the members are overinvolved and overprotective and strive for maintaining peace and harmony by avoiding conflicts and confrontation at any cost. They are nice and cooperative people but it's is hard to get them to talk about problems in their family.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Going international!
I have monitored the traffic to my blog by countries and I have noticed that some people attempt to read it in the US, UK, Austria, and Netherlands. Of course they are facing a big challenge since Estonian is not one of the languages of the world. So I decided to once in a while write something in English too. Hopefully this weekend I will post the first bit to my readers.
Stay tuned!
Stay tuned!
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